“Are you friends with so-and-so? Well then I can’t be friends with you because I hate her guts.”
“Why are you talking to that guy? He’s an idiot. I can’t believe you’re friends with them; I’m not sure if I can be your friend.”
“If you become her friend, we can’t be friends any more.”
I’ve been part of, as well as listened in on, enough conversations by now to hear this bit of drama on a regular basis.
What does it mean when someone bases their friendship and acquaintance decisions on who is in your circle? Is the six degrees of separation not, as I would think, separate, but actually intertwined?
I have been party to both sides of the coin:
1) I have been told by a handful of people not to associate with a certain colleague. They were people I trust and like, and we share similar interests. However, either because I’m stubborn or just a masochist, I am one of those people that, for some reason, has to learn on their own. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and hope that my friends’ experiences with that person were singular and unique to them, and somehow my interaction with that person would turn out differently, in a positive way.
Of course, I was wrong. Wait… Should I have written “of course” there? Should the majority consensus rule my decisions on how something turns out? No. But in this particular case, they were right, I was wrong — and I made the appropriate phone calls of apology for not having listened to them. I licked my wounds from learning on my own, knowing that my friends were thinking in my best interest.
Would I listen to them again? Perhaps. But more than likely, no. I’m just one of those people that think that each interaction is different. I’ll probably have to lick my wounds again… but luckily, my friends are those that will not judge me when I go against their advice. They’re like me, and when I make those mistakes despite their better judgment, they will accept my apology with open arms.
2) I recently was the one on the other side of the fence. I had told someone that a mutual acquaintance was someone whom I did not trust. I made sure that I told the person that it was up to them whether or not they talked to this person who had wronged me. Who was I to dictate who my friends could and could not see?
Unfortunately, the person and I had a falling out of our own, and she migrated to that person who I had warned her about. They then decided to spend their time being “best buds” online, posting about how I was an idiot. I even received some hate mail from the person I had warned her about, including some rather strong physical threats. I sent a polite email back stating my position, and ignored the rest of the messages that were sent my way. I am not sure if they are still “best buds,” or if, as I suggested, that friendship ended badly just as mine had done with the person in question.
What did I learn? Did I learn that I shouldn’t warn people about others? Did I learn that I should keep my mouth shut and not share my experiences for the possible benefit of others? Rather, I learned that if you’re going to dole advice, or pass judgment, even if you leave the decision making up to the person you are talking to, you better be able to back up your claims. I was able to, so I was also able to walk away from that drama without humiliation.
So, what’s the lesson here? If I could pass along some of my own advice, it would be this:
- If you care who your friend’s friend is, then you probably have more time on your hands than I ever will. Perhaps a hobby might be in order, or a nice book?
- If you make your friendship decisions based on who your friend’s friends are, then, well, you probably have no original thoughts. Do you really like being a lemming?
- If you need to warn a friend about a questionable person, business, or product – be able to back it up with facts. FACTS. Not hearsay, not supposition, not idle obsessive “deduction”. You know what they say about assumptions.
- If you do warn a friend about something/someone who is suspect, and they decide to try it anyway, be there if they decide they made a mistake and come back.
- If you do warn a friend about something/someone who is suspect, and they decide that they are compatible, then be happy for them. Don’t chastise them just because they succeeded where you failed. They were able to find a connection that you were not able to achieve — whether that’s good or bad, is dependent on the individual. Not you.
Yes, I know. I mess up from time to time too. But reminding yourself that not only do you falter but so do the people around you as often as you can, can be the difference between a bitter, lonely person and someone who is willing to forgive, embrace change, and bend. Making sure that the six degrees of separation are indeed separated rather than a tightly wound bundle of sticks means that when arguments arise, that bundle doesn’t go up in flames. Allowing others to live their own life, while allowing them to enrich yours in their own way, without interference, may be a utopian ideal but is definitely one that I feel we can’t stop striving towards.
Have you had any interactions where your friendships were questioned? Have you questioned someone’s friendships? Were you able to rise above, or did you let your selfish motivations get the better of you?
More on this, and how it applies to social media, marketing, and business in general to come for you to read…of course, unless you’re a friend of anyone I may not like… j/k.
I have been on both the giving and receiving end of the “you are who you choose to associate yourself with”. That said, I see how you can really sell yourself short.
Enter in the social hinge. He or she is friends with anyone they deem to have a common ground with, as long as they have been shown respect by said individuals. The social hinge often has to balance themselves because of drama between 2 mutual friends that do not get along. One form of manipulation one mutual friend might use to alienate the other friend from the hinge individual is that “you are who you associate yourself with” crap.
So while it can be a helpful load of advice, it can also be a manipulative tool. So I am all for taking it with a grain of salt. Some of the most hurtful and spiteful people are friend with “respected individuals”, using this association philosophy as a way to fall under the radar and continue spewing spite towards others without repercussion because of who they are friends with.
I completely agree. Anyone who hides behind others that they feel are more powerful just so they can spew hate towards someone is really just a coward pretending to be a bully.
Reminds me of junior high. Although it’s never a good thing, at least when you’re of JH age, you’re allowed to make those social mistakes and hopefully emerge a better person who doesn’t engage in clique-ish behaviour.
Taking what others say, esp when it comes to their friendship choices, with a huge grain of salt is key to maintaining you own sanity. Well said, Kat
I get this, mostly from my politics. Several times have I had someone stop being friends because of my political leanings; having nothing bad to say abt me personally.
I’ve had people comment negatively that I’m a fan of yours (professionally and as someone I really like as a human, and appreciate hugging when I see). To me, it’s a great litmus test. I’m not a very religious guy, but I know that Jesus hung with sinners. : )
I like you tons, and am glad you’re out there doing what you do. Great post, by the way.
.-= Chris Brogan…´s last blog ..Be a Sociologist – Overnight Success =-.
I’m sure I’m the dark horse, Chris, when it comes to people in social media. I don’t know why, maybe it’s an American thing, but people seem to assume the worst of those they don’t know. I tend to think the best.
I heard this commentary on a radio show once: “So many people think their acquaintances have to earn their respect. I give them respect first; it’s up to them to lose mine.” and I agree. I try not to make decisions on people I don’t know, or have just met, based on hearsay. I let them start at 100 and it’s up to them if they stay there or fall, rather than make them start at -100 and struggle to keep my friendship. That’s a recipe for fail.
And I think we’re all sinners in our own way, you know? What is our present life but a continuing trial to see how we survive or falter?
I am thrilled to bits that you thought enough of me to reach out last year, and am thrilled that you are a fan of dark horses. Thank you, Chris
I came across something similar recently when some people I considered friends treated someone who came into our circle very shabbily. I always found this person to be very warm and sincere and the treatment she received was unwarranted. I theorized that their reaction to her was based on some jealousy due to her looks, but I digress. She’s become like a little sister to me and I’m the protective big brother.
Anyway, I decided to take a step back from those other people partially because my life became much busier and I also didn’t want their negative vibes to rub off on me. My dad always told me “show me your company and I’ll know who you are.”
When I hear from those folks I’m cordial but I don’t prolong the conversations. In my case I made the decision who to remain close to and who to make a break from. Makes life a lot easier when you do a social detox.
But isn’t your decision to distance yourself without explaining why the same as choosing your li’l sis over them? Despite their bad behaviour, I would also think that if you didn’t explain why (in a logical and nonemotional manner), then they aren’t given the opportunity to learn and grow?
I do commend you on your choice to stand by your new friend. I hope she is able to do the same for you
They never asked me truth be told. Now if anyone chooses to ask me directly I won’t have a problem telling them since I have a policy of telling it like it is. They know how busy my life is and I said to many (those I associate with and those I chose to distance myself from) that I might not be around as much. P
lus I’m not the only one who took steps from those people, not solely due to how they treated the person I mentioned but other bad behavior. With that they have reconsidered their associations and have kept their distance also.
As far as my friend she is consistent in her behavior towards me and to others I’ve seen her around. Overall, she’s a good person that I’m happy to consider like a sister.