On Thursday, January 7th, three parties are lined up in a row to allow AEE attendees a comfortable flow of party traffic. Following the Good Vibrations’ “Speakeasy” party from 7-9pm, partygoers are invited to attend a unique fundraiser event – Kelly Shibari and PornstarTweet’s “Breasts & Bondage”.

“Breasts & Bondage”, combining both kink and porn communities, will be held at the Erotic Heritage Museum and will benefit both the Museum and Susan G Komen For The Cure. The fundraiser is sponsored by PaddedKink, PornstarTweet, YNOT, MaXXXimum Network and ReverseTensionz.

Live bondage performances and demonstrations as well as band Midnight Reign and DJSadist will entertain partygoers. The Museum is also extending its hours to accommodate the fundraiser. In addition, a midnight raffle will be giving away items ranging from adult DVD packs, BDSM gear, website memberships, collector’s art pieces and more. “Raffle girls” include Shibari, MILF performer Persia Monir and AVN December cover girl April Flores, among others.

“My mother currently has breast cancer,” said Shibari, “and she has been my personal hero all my life, from her inner strength to her independent spirit. Choosing breast cancer awareness for the fundraiser was a logical and very easy choice.”

“When Kelly asked PornStar Tweet to participate in this event we didn’t hesitate, we both believe that through social networking and events like this one we can help spread the word that awareness is the key.  We’re not just talking to women out there, but the men that love them to get involved and make their loved ones get breast exams”, said Pete Housley CEO for PornStarTweet.com.

“Breasts & Bondage” will be from 10pm to 2am. An afterparty will be held at the Velvet Lion Topless Nightclub till the early morning hours. Tickets can be purchased at the door for $20 for those 21 and over and is open to the public.

For more information, visit http://breastsandbondage.info, a safe-for-work site. Anonymous and non-attendee donations to the event can also be made through the site.

I hope you enjoy – I answer questions about my experience in the industry as well as how I got into it

GamelinkInterviewFeb2009

Do you think of a hard worker, or someone who is out to cheat you out of your money?

When I was a kid, my dad used to have this plaque above his desk. Engraved in brass, mounted on wood, it was called, simply, “WHAT IS HUSTLE?”:

WHAT IS HUSTLE?

Hustle is doing something that everyone is absolutely certain can’t be done.

Hustle is getting commitment because you got there first, or stayed with it after everyone else gave up.

Hustle is shoe leather and elbow grease and sweat and missing lunch.

Hustle is getting prospects to say “yes” after they’ve said “no” twenty times.

Hustle is doing more unto a customer than the other guy can do unto him.

Hustle is believing in yourself and the business you’re in.

Hustle is the sheer joy of winning.

Hustle is being the sorest loser in town.

Hustle is hating to take a vacation because you might miss a piece of the action

Hustle is heaven if you’re a hustler.

Hustle is hell if you’re not.

I was raised in a home where hard work was rewarded, and laziness was punished. Promptness, efficiency, and professionalism were characteristics that were instilled in me from before I was even 10. It’s probably why I am the person that I am now – always working on multiple projects, never really understanding how to sit still.

The funny thing is that lately, when I hear people mention the word “hustle,” the connotation is not the same. It’s become associated with prostitutes, pimps, grifters, and scam artists. The name of the game in this new-millenium “hustle” is how well you can do the con; how well you can get some stranger to part with his cash. It has little to do with getting up early, working hard, and deserving the rewards you receive – whether it be cash or otherwise.

My dilemma, as a result, is how to define “hustle” as it was when I was a kid. I can’t use “hustle” in the way it was initially intended – if I say that I “hustle,” then the reaction is usually not positive. I most certainly can’t (or don’t want to) use “hustle” to describe someone – in this day and age, with drama the way it can be, word may spread that I am not complimenting someone, but rather being derogatory.

Words change over time, generations, and cultural lines. At one point in time, “The Hustle” was even a dance move (as you can see above). Perhaps, much like the “n” word, the proper pronounciation these days is “huss-la” and not “huss-ler.” Maybe in that context, the terminology is correct. After all, every culture, generation, and age group has their own definition of “hard work.” But somehow in my mind, it’s not really “hard work” when you’re trying to scam people out of their money instead of working diligently, intelligently, morally and ethically.

Or maybe I’m just getting old…who knows.

So, what do you think of when you hear the word “hustle”?

“It’s called “self-esteem, you c*nt. I was giving you an opportunity that the rest of society has not.” (<---I have altered the offending word)

and

“I can easily hire you through someone else and create a scenario that would have serious ramifications.”

After thanking him for “putting (his) idle threat in such a way that I now have a written record,” I wondered how many other women he had threatened. I contacted the person whose name he had dropped when contacting me, to let her know of my experience with him. It’s too bad, really, since this person’s other businesses include a site for dads – it’s disheartening to think that he may be preaching hatred and discrimination to others, including his own children, especially since he is a minority and a father himself.

Some opinions about this entire experience:

(1) I am choosy about what scenes I do, and don’t do. That is my prerogative as a performer. If you are a performer who is OK with doing certain scenes, then by all means, do them! Every performer should have a list of limits. It’s for your own safety and sanity.

(2) Don’t be persuaded to do scenes you wouldn’t normally do regardless of what you are offered financially. This applies in non-performance work as well – don’t do things just because you are being paid to do it. Nine times out of ten, you’ll regret having done them, and in this day and age, there’s a record of everything online.

(3) Think. Think carefully. Take your time with each and every decision you make in life, business, family, friends. Remember this:

EVERYTHING you do becomes your brand.

If you want to be known as a performer who’ll do anything and everything, including being demeaned, then that’s your brand. If you’re ok with that, then, “hooray!” However, if you are NOT… don’t. That one quick decision to do something just because the money was good will be your cross to bear for the rest of your career.

(4) Be willing and able to back any decision up with logic. No one can win an argument with you if you have a logical explanation as to your choices.

(5) Before you write ANYTHING online, offline, snail mail or text – THINK. A written record WILL hold up in court. Refer back to (3).

(6) Understand the market and community into which you are trying to market or recruit. If a community is well-connected (such as the BBW niche adult market), and you are an outsider, then take the time to understand how that community works. It’s a failing game if you think you can apply your negative values to a community that sticks together and hope that you can monetize successfully.

(7) Understand that models, employees, customers and fans will, if smart, do a background check on you prior to making a buying or hiring decision. If you have a history of being a jerk, then that is available online SOMEWHERE. If you’re a great company, that will be online as well. Don’t be so naive to think that just because the internet is vast that your negative feedback can’t be found. Make sure that what you say and do online (as well as off) reflects who you are. People WILL be checking before making decisions. EXPECT people to ask and check references.

(8) Calling someone a “c*nt” is NEVER a good thing (in my book).

If my exchange with this producer had just ended in him calling me a name, I would have chalked that up to a newbie producer with too big of a fragile go, with no understanding of the niche nor the industry and walked away. However, it was his idle threat that he would try to figure out a way to book me on a shoot that would have “serious ramifications” that made me decide to warn other models as well as other producers and webmasters.

I’m not going to mention his name in this blog. However, I will make his name available to anyone who asks. I’m not saying that people SHOULDN’T work with this man – if the scenes he is producing is OK with you, then who am I to tell you not to do it? However, it is also my responsibility as a perfomer in this industry to make sure that others are warned, especially any ladies who are new to the industry and are either too timid or inexperienced to ask all of the right questions.

I hope that every performer has a great experience on every set they are on. However, I know that this is simply not the case. Communicating with each other is the only way we can all stay informed.

PS. Please feel free to RT this post, share on Facebook, and comment on this post directly. One of the best ways to spread the word is to comment and share

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Theresa-

To those that have broken ties, I hope that the world is a better place for you now without the stress and chaos of anger. I wish you nothing but the best, and should you choose to mend the bridge, I’ll be there to work on that with you. If not, then know that there is a place of Zen for everyone. I hope you can find yours as I have found mine.

What kind of things do you do when you’re met with an inevitable wall of stress and chaos? Are there any tricks you use to bring the Zen back into your life?

Vanessa is someone I consider a colleague, a co-conspirator, and a friend. Yes, that sort of friend, if you read my last blog post. If she needed a kidney, she’d get one from me. We don’t get to talk much because she’s all the way on the other side of the Great Big Pond, but when we do we are supportive, funny, serious, insightful, and collaborative. It’s everything I want in a friend and I hope that I am hers as well.

I sat with Vanessa via IM the other night after she announced that her ebook, “Become a Professional Plus-size Model”, was ready to launch, and asked her a few questions about the ebook:

Kelly Shibari: OK, so – you’ve written this ebook. What was the basis for it? Any particular reason you wanted to write a book specifically for the plus-size pinup community?
Vanessa Reece: Well when I first started as a plus-size model there was no real advice books for ladies my size. I didn’t really know how to get an agent, how best to build a portfolio and how to market myself as a plus-size model. Now after being a paid professional for a few years and having ladies ask me, ‘how do I get into modeling as a plus-size woman’ I thought it was high time I put my experience into one easy to understand book.
Kelly Shibari: Right. There are a lot of documentaries and TV shows about modeling, but plus-size seems to be this mysterious area that no one seems to know how to get into.
Vanessa Reece: Right and all the shows that are on TV tend not to get down to the core of how to really enjoy the camera when you’re plus-size. Mainstream media often depicts plus-size as 14-16 but actually you’ll find there is a lot of paid work out there for ladies larger than that. Plus these shows don’t go into marketing the model as a brand or as person. I chose pin-up because it is the most diverse and shows character and creativity. You’re not just a clothes horse when you’re a pin-up model.
Kelly Shibari: I was just going to ask that – I think the main companies out there, esp in the US, tend to stop at size 12/14 for plus sized, like Wilhemina and Ford’s plus-size divisions. Do you cover where larger ladies can go to submit their zed cards?
Vanessa Reece: I give a very interesting piece of advice in the book about agencies and which agencies I feel plus-size models do well in. Once you put yourself out their as a pin-up model, you then get people see you have character and have pictures that provoke thought and interest. This can lead to work within character modeling agencies and if you really want to take it further work on TV in commercials, TV shows and film. The world is your oyster but finding your niche and an agency that embraces that niche is hard work, but very rewarding once you join forces.
Kelly Shibari: You’ve worked in the UK as well as the US. Have you seen any differences in modeling work between the two?
Vanessa Reece: Yes I have. In the US there is a lot of interest in plus-size models in the fashion and reality TV areas. However in the UK it tends to be more to do with character modeling or ad campaigns. I’ve worked a lot in the UK as a character model in ad campaigns as well as the corporate film area. I sometimes wish the UK would have more fashion work but maybe one day that will come.
Kelly Shibari: Explain character modeling.
Vanessa Reece: Character modeling is very much geared toward of every day people you’d see on the street. For instance the agency I’m with in London is called Uglies, which is a bizarre name but it represents what some would call the outcasts of modeling. Big ladies and men, tattooed ladies and men, little people, old people. What’s beautiful about it is all of us make money by being ourselves. No diets, no covering tattoos. Just looking, ‘normal and every day,’ I tend to get booked as the buxom curvy vixen. HA! The agency have been going for years and the only one of its kind in the UK. They are the first port of call for people who want every day people to represent their product or be involved in their project.
Kelly Shibari: That’s wonderful! You’re right, the company name is a little odd, but it’s definitely something you can remember, which may be key.
Vanessa Reece: Yes this is something I talk about in the ebook. Branding. So important for a model of any size I feel.
Kelly Shibari: Do you think the attitude towards BBWs is different in the US compared to the UK? The media shows plus-size people in the US to be some of the biggest in the world.
Vanessa Reece: The UK is catching on fast to the fact we are all getting bigger. However the UK tends to have programs that are diverse in offering advice about weight loss and healthy eating as well as shows that are geared to women feeling comfortable in their skin. Here the word is ‘fat’ not BBW. Sometimes it’s used as a base descriptive words other times it’s used as a word of pure hate. I take it back as a work of empowerment personally. But yes, the UK is still behind on buzz words like BBW in the mainstream . Of course within the size acceptance community it is a used word. I’m not sure I like it to be honest.
Kelly Shibari: In the US, “fat” is really a derogatory term. Is it that way in the UK, or not as much?
Vanessa Reece: well it depends how it’s used. I mean for many years the N word was a derogatory term now it’s used by many black people as a term of endearment other times not. It always depends on the context. I made peace with myself a long time ago that fat was what I was. I have no shame and no regret and if I say I’m fat in a positive way to describe the way I love every inch of me it’s far better than someone to say it thinking they can insult me. If someone says I’m fat. I always say, yes and I love it, thanks for the positive comment. It leaves them speechless.
Kelly Shibari: Awesome! That’s like what I do with hate mail – I sometimes send them thank-you notes. Boggles their minds, haha!
Kelly Shibari: Here’s an interesting question, since I know that a lot of plus size girls that we both know are in the adult industry. Do you think that having been an adult performer hinders your chances to be a pinup, fashion, or commercial model?
Vanessa Reece: No I don’t think it matters at all. I know of lots of adult models who’ve crossed over to mainstream. But you know the key Kelly? The key to mainstream excepting the crossover is not to hide or lie about what you’ve done. Yes, there are certain mainstream plus-size magazine sites who don’t like the idea of putting an adult performer on their cover, but there are plenty of film makers, TV producers and fashion designers who want plus-size women with passion and fire and they are only to happy to embrace you as a person. I like to say that adult work is something you may do, it never defines who you are.
Kelly Shibari: Brilliant. I think that a lot of girls think that once they’ve gone that route (do adult) that it shuts and locks the door to mainstream work. It’s encouraging to think that it’s not the case!
Kelly Shibari: So…what’s next for you? Will you be mentoring girls going into modeling? I know you have a radio show, and you’ll be attending the BBW Bash in Las Vegas…
Vanessa Reece: Well for me I’m going to be pushing aspect of the eBook. I want ladies to know that modeling is not easy and they may not be rolling in cash. If they think that is is easy and they will be rolling in cash it’s the wrong job for them. I’ll be doing more podcasts and videos to highlight elements of the ebook. I will also be coaching a lot more in the future. Offering empowerment talks etc. I’m hoping to touch base with people at the BBW Bash in Vegas to really learn about how they feel about being plus-sized.
Vanessa Reece: Because I realise not everyone is as confident as I am.
Kelly Shibari: Yes, I agree. A lot of people think that by modeling it leads to instant fame, when in reality it’s a lot of hard work and luck regardless of size.
Vanessa Reece: Yes it is. I got my first break by luck but I have to say I’ve had a lot of heart ache and soul searching along the way. I learned some valuable lessons all of which are discussed in the eBook.
Kelly Shibari: I can’t wait to read it. So it’s launching on Sunday, July 12th…and only costs a whole dollar?
Vanessa Reece: Yes I priced it the same as an average can of cola. It’s ironic I know, but I thought hey for a can of cola you can learn something about an industry which is both fun, exciting and creatively rewarding.
Kelly Shibari: If there was any one bit of advice you could give to anyone contemplating getting into modeling, what would it be?
Vanessa Reece: Have the right attitude. That is the single most important thing. I see so many models with terrible attitudes to collegues and fans. It doesn’t do one any favors in the long run. Be proud by all means but also be thankful and humble because people don’t forget how they have been treated. There can never be enough thank you’s.
Kelly Shibari: That’s wonderful advice that everyone should remember at all times. Thanks, Vanessa – we look forward to seeing and hearing more from you
Vanessa Reece: Thank you Kelly. It’s always a pleasure to talk to you. I hope you and everyone else enjoys my ebook.

So there you have it. If you’re looking to get into plus-sized modeling, or want to rework your “game”, or are just curious, Vanessa’s ebook is definitely going to keep your interest. You can see what’s in her ebook and purchase a copy at her website or simply click on the banner below:

What a Buddhist Monk Taught Me About Blogging

Earlier in the week I received an email from a blogger who had been the victim of a pretty vicious hate campaign against her from a number of other bloggers. She asked for advice on how to handle the situation.

I gave her a number of pieces of advice (much of which was similar to my post on what to do when your blog is attacked) but I also found myself returning to some teaching that I’ve recently heard from a Buddhist Monk (no I’m not changing religions – but yes I do enjoy interacting with people from different faiths).

The crux of his teachings was this…

When someone attacks you with anger and hatred say to them:

“thank you for your ‘gift’ – but I think you can keep it for yourself.”

It is easy to take on the anger of other people and to wear it as a burden of your own but it is usually unhealthy to do so.

Anger and hatred directed at you by another person is their anger and hatred and not yours. While they may wish for you to take it upon yourself – ultimately it’s a ‘gift’ that would be better not received.

The blogosphere can unfortunately be a place of personal attack and anger. While I think there is a place for hearing the critique of others and taking it on board in a constructive way – there is also a time to let it go and move forward.

One skill that bloggers need to learn is how to do this.

One more quote to end with on Anger from Brother Thay’s book Anger:

“If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist. If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is not wise. You must go back and put the fire out. So when you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while everything goes up in flames.”

Bad days happen. Hate happens. Irritation, confusion, misunderstandings, panic, sadness, disappointment, anger — these all happen. How we deal with them, however, is what makes us who we are. Reacting immediately doesn’t make us any more evolved than an animal. Take a step back. Talk to friends. Take a deep breath and regroup.

And then realize that the hate has nothing to do with you, and move on. It’s not easy, but you’ll be glad you did.

*Note* About the friend/acquaintance thing : My mom (whom I love dearly – hi Mom!) has always had a personal barometer that she kept saying like a mantra every time I would go to her about some “friend” who hurt me. To her, a friend was someone you would give a kidney to if they needed it. Everyone else was an acquaintance, a colleague, a relative…but not a friend. Now, this may be a tad extreme, but it certainly put things in perspective, and has allowed me to move on with my life on countless occassions.